Life Is A True Gift
Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You have cancer,” the doctor said. I couldn’t believe it. I was completely gutted. On October 8, 2004, I was diagnosed with aggressive Stage 3, triple-negative breast cancer. I was only 34 years old, 16 weeks pregnant with twins and a mother to a 4-year-old daughter. My surgeon said had I not found my own lump, I would have died within a year. The tumor was so close to my chest wall that no previous mammograms had picked it up and it had infiltrated 11 of my lymph nodes. In one year, I received a total 8 chemo treatments (3 of which while pregnant!), 4 surgeries (mastectomy while pregnant, emergency c-sect, full hysterectomy and another mastectomy with a full TRAM reconstruction), birthed premature twin boys (who arrived the day before my 35th birthday!) and completed 35 radiation session treatments. Because I had lost my great grandmother, grandmother and mother to this disease, I decided to get genetic testing and found out I carried the BRCA-2 gene.
My plate was full, to say the least. In the process of it all, I just had to choose resilience. Despite the odds and despite the challenges, I had to get through it all because I believed I had no other choice! Honestly, sometimes I look back and I can’t believe we got through it all. It is by God's grace, a positive attitude, strong faith, many prayers, lots of love and support from family, friends, neighbors and even strangers that I am now cancer-free and can walk in this incredible journey of LIFE! Although my hair has returned and my scars have healed, no one "sees" my story anymore, but I do share it to provide hope for others. Through a wonderful nonprofit, Hope For Two, I have gone on to support other women facing cancer during pregnancy. My healthy, 15-year boys are thriving in high school and my beautiful daughter is 19 and studying nursing in college. My loving and devoted husband, Patrick, who is "my rock" told me, "Everything is going to be all right." We had to keep the faith that God would carry out His plan for me and in His own time, even if we didn’t understand it. I realized that my life was truly a gift, no matter what I was going through or how much time I was given.
Reflecting on this grueling experience, nothing prepared me for this life-changing disease. I had to learn to persevere and be resilient through the most challenging times. Even though I was a jumble of emotions, I found gratitude for the gifts of love, friendship, and support which always appeared right when I needed them most. I quickly realized that no matter how independent I was, I could not manage it all by myself. I needed to allow others, even strangers, into my life to help my family and me. We received countless meals, prayers, support and so many other countless good deeds. As a mother, I knew I had to fight with EVERYTHING I had. Having lost my parents in my twenties, I couldn’t imagine not seeing my children grow up. I learned that I was strong even on my weakest days when I had nothing left. I could not give up. Life didn’t stop while I had cancer. I allowed myself to feel the range of my emotions but remembered that I had a choice in my attitude and in how I treated people around me.
Cancer was an incredibly lonely experience despite having so many people descend on my life. I strengthened my relationship with God. I learned to not only have faith in God but to also put my trust in Him. I prayed to Him often – during the quiet 3 a.m. feedings, in the hum of the scanning machines, in the splendor of ordinary things, in my weakest of times, in thankful times and in scary times. There were a lot of things I did not have time to examine or evaluate -- those lessons continue to unfold days and years later. It’s okay to take time and unpack things when ready. Most importantly, I learned God never left me in the depths of my suffering just as He was there in my greatest joys. No matter what I was facing, I looked for the good, the helpers, the lessons, the love and the gifts of it all. He always provided the light in dark places.
This huge thunderstorm of my life has cleared but has left its indelible mark on my day to day life. I know as a natural part of life; we will face many obstacles again. In the meantime, I draw strength from what we overcame. Fifteen years later I still look for the gifts of each day and I am so thankful for another day of life. I just turned 50 this December and honestly, loved seeing every candle my cake! I often wonder how the blessings in the next 50 years of my life will unfold. I continue to use my testimony to bring God’s grace, love and hope to others in need.
No matter what challenges you face, acknowledge all your feelings, persevere and welcome help. You are not alone. Most importantly, cherish your life and look for the gifts of love and support. Look for the light in dark places and be the light for others when they struggle.
